Captain's Log

Obama Signs Landmark Action to Extend Gay Rights

Breaking News: WASHINGTON, D.C.

At an unprecedented early morning briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert L. Gibbs, outlined the Obama administration's rationale behind the low-key June 17th rollout of the "Memorandum on Federal Benefits and Non-Discrimination, and Support of the Lieberman-Baldwin Benefits Legislation," and provided information on the administration's plans for the next steps to address the broader issues of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer communities.

Media representatives were summoned for the 5:00 AM meeting. Gibbs proceeded to work damage control on the administration's handling of LGBTQ issues.

Ladies and gentlemen, announced a confident and articulate Gibbs, let me begin by thanking all of you for coming in so early. The President is concerned about the reaction to yesterday's Presidential Memorandum. There is a lot of misunderstanding and confusion related to both the form and content of yesterday's Presidential action.

Gibbs then outlined three traditional types of actions a President can issue that do not require legislation or Congressional approval. They are (in ascending order of importance) Proclamations, Presidential Memoranda, and Executive Orders.

Proclamations, said Gibbs, are just a bunch of words intended to make the citizenry happy about something. Say for example, 'National Satire Week,' - which coincidentally is June 14 through 20, 2009.

Proclamations don't really mean anything or commit the government to any course of action. They just put words into the public realm for consumption by the media. Everybody likes them.

Executive Orders are very serious administrative instruments used by a President, Gibbs explained. These are standing orders that hold sway from administration to administration, until they are countermanded by another sitting President.

"We're very careful about how we use these babies," said Gibbs ~ now swaggering behind the podium. "Executive Orders are 'end-runs,' 'Hail Mary passes,' or I guess more appropriate for this President - a three-point shot with just seconds left on the clock! Executive Orders are intended to bypass popular or even unpopular legislation. Hey look, Executive Orders can be real controversial and can hurt the popularity of a President. We're not ready to go that route. No sir."

"We decided on the Presidential Memorandum because this form of action is actually written to somebody. You know, 'To,' 'From,' 'Re,' and all that stuff. You get them all the time. They tell you to do something."

"In this case, the President sincerely wanted to make sure that no federal employee experienced the kind of humiliation that Michael Guest suffered during his tenure with the State Department," Gibbs said. "When Ambassador Guest was required to move overseas, relocation expenses for his same-sex partner were not covered. The resources traditionally extended to spouses of members of the Foreign Service were not made available to Ambassador Guest's partner."

"He did not receive benefits and was snubbed at social functions," exclaimed a highly animated Gibbs. "I don't know what you media people and the LGBTQ community want from us! We're trying to do some good here and it all has to do with relocating gays."

This reporter and others among the sleep-deprived press corps looked at one another in astonishment. Was the White House Press Secretary finally coming totally unhinged? Gibbs has had his gaffes in the past, but nothing quite as animated as this one. Just when we thought we were witnessing a meltdown, the Press Secretary regained his composure and forged ahead with a reassuring calm and steadfast voice.

Last night," Gibbs continued, Last night the President made us pull an all-nighter. Don't worry, he was there too. We knew that we needed to do something better, something that would be more acceptable to all Americans, and something that could put a better spin on things. I mean, Cheney is getting better press on this than us? I don't think so.

We worked long into the early morning hours, sipping a few beers here and there while brainstorming the issue when I think it was Rahm Emanuel who made the suggestion first. Of course it was Rahm! He's the one who always chants the mantra, 'Never let a crisis go to waste.'

Rahm noted that we were at the convergence of several critical issues. First we needed a new tool for Presidential action. Proclamations, Memoranda, and Executive Orders are all too limiting.

That is when he introduced the idea of the 'Presidential Cocktail Napkin Directive.'

"We had several such blank instruments sitting before us (OK, some had little rings on them from the bottom of our glasses, but who'd notice?) and Rahm assured us that whatever we wrote on this venerable document, if it bore the signature of the President, could become the law of the land, or something like that," Gibbs said.

Now this reporter is not usually inclined to engage in meta-journalism, but it is important to convey the reaction of the press at this point in time. Journalists were sitting on the edge of their seats. The correspondent from the New York Times froze in place, the publisher of the Washington Blade let out an audible gasp, and the editor of The Advocate nearly fell out of his seat.

Keyboard chatter halted, pencils etching their notes became immobilized, and it seemed the flashes of cameras were momentarily suspended. We all realized we were on the verge of an important, nay, a historic announcement! Not only would the President make history, but we would be part of that history!

Gibbs sensed the tension in the room. He spoke slowly with ascending volume and projection. "Rahm boiled the problem down to essentials. He told the President that the root problem was 'relocation'. If we could solve relocation, then we could solve all of our problems at once."

Gibbs announced that the break through came when Rahm convinced everyone that, "the detainees at Guantanamo and members of the LGBTQ community share something in common: Everyone just wishes they'd go away."

So in the early hours of June 18th, 2009, President Barack Obama signed the first ever Presidential Cocktail Napkin Directive: "Relocating all Gay Employees of the Federal Government, their Partners, and Friends to the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base."

GITmoGay, as it is now being referred to, will offer same-sex domestic partnership benefits and all of the legal rights typically extended to married couples.

GITmoGay will also adopt the "Ask and Tell" policy that will enable members of the armed forces to serve openly in this island paradise.

And, while all of this good fortune may seem unbelievable, several highly-placed White House sources have confirmed that the President will soon issue a second Presidential Cocktail Napkin Directive, on the topic of hate crimes.

Currently, LGBTQ rights activists are expressing astonishment at the White House action.

Caught off guard by this unprecedented act of civic generosity to a disenfranchised group, many activists are expressing a sense of relief, thanks and joy. "At last we'll have a homeland of our own," is commonly heard from the leadership of the LGBTQ community.

By mid-morning, a host of developers, avant garde architects, and interior decorators were converging on the Naval Base to assess the situation and to spruce things up in advance of the arrival of the gay glitterati.

Look there's an airport, several nice beaches, lots of waterfront property, and we'll just plant some nice vines on those nasty old fences to make it all look just marvelous, said one of the entrepreneurs combing the base for opportunities.

Indeed GITmoGay will be an island paradise, and with hurricane season rapidly approaching Martha Wash has predicted the weather at GITmoGay will be 'Raining Men.'

This reporter contacted Guantanamo's base commander, Col. Nathan R. Jessep, USMC, and asked him for a comment on the idea of Gitmo going gay. The only response we received from him was, "You can't handle the truth!"

Capital Pride: Was it All About Same-Sex Marriage?

Either I must be missing something or the Washington Post sent exactly one reporter to cover Capital Pride and he stood for precisely 10 minutes on a single spot during the week of events, commemorations, parades and festivals. It's been a whirlwind of activity in our nation's capital, but here's what our hometown newspaper - and one of the largest newspapers in the country - had to say in the opening paragraph of a very short article about Capital Pride - and the article was only about same-sex marriage:

There was a sense of urgency, a sense of defiance, in the way same-sex couples held hands or pushed their children in strollers yesterday at the Capital Pride festival. Politics nearly always takes center stage at the annual event set in the shadow of the Capitol, and the couples this year had something specific on their minds.

Same-sex marriages -- the legally recognized kind.

Wow~! We held hands and pushed our kids in strollers~! That's it? What about John Berry, the highest-ranking official in the Obama administration, talking from the main stage about the pending hate-crimes bill? What about Martha Wash singing "It's Raining Men?" What about headline act RuPaul talking about the importance of mentoring to LGBTQ kids?

What is disturbing about this type of coverage from The Post is the reporter framed the article as if there was only one issue on the minds and in the hearts of the LGBTQ community.

From the events commemorating gay icon Mr. Frank Kameny to the parade and festival itself - there were many things going on. Yes, same-sex marriage was one of them - but so were many other things, causes and celebrations.

First, the politics. Here's a rough transcript of John Berry, the highest ranking LGBTQ official in the Obama administration, speaking from the main state on Sunday about the Obama administration's plans for hate crimes legislation, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act and Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Oh, and same-sex marriage.

The Obama administration hopes to secure passage of Hate Crimes this coming week and that President Obama is soon to announce an initiative pertaining to providing federal LGBT employees with benefits equivalent to those provided to their heterosexual counterparts. He also said the administration fully intends to pass an employment non-discrimination bill, repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act "before the sun sets on this administration."

There was headliner RuPaul belting out her wonderful songs, but also talking about the importance of mentoring LGBTQ youth:

There was also eye candy for nearly anyone's taste, parents pushing strollers (although I did not see a lot of "defiant" parents pushing their kids through the crowds), a kid's play area, a disco area and food and vendors along Pennsylvania Avenue between the U.S. Capitol and the White House. And what gay pride wouldn't be complete without a main stage filled with dancing, singing and Martha Wash and "It's Raining Men," - this year under a perfectly blue sky.

The video cuts off Ms. Martha Wash right at the end - somewhat akin to the Washington Post article cutting out everything about Capital Pride except same-sex marriage - but you get the idea. The crowd was fun - it didn't look "urgent" or "defiant" to me - and there were lots of us queers doing lots of different things. Including talking about same-sex marriage.

And yes, there were several organizations - including D.C. For Marriage - asking for people to sign petitions, volunteer or call their congressional and state representatives.

But there was so much more than just that single issue during the events of Capital Pride, and yet the Washington Post decided to write about a single issue, instead of reporting on the diverse and empowering events of the week. You should see some of the comments on the Post "article" - the loonies are coming out of the wood-work. If this is what the Washington Post is becoming - a "rag" - then cancel my subscription now.